I used to work for a ginormous corporation. I mean, we're not talking Fortune 500, or even Fortune 100 here. More like Fortune 10. Yeah, that big.
I never ceased to be amazed at the pure crap that could be generated by the managers there. We'd sit in meetings for hours, feeling really productive. But when I thought about it later, I realized we got absolutely nothing done. In fact, productivity went negative because it wasted everyone's time.
Then we'd get various printed documents as a "product" of the meeting. Page after page after page of completely useless stuff. But, damn it looked good! Very impressive words, very complex sentences. But it said nothing.
So when I recently came across Andrew Davidson's "Corporate Gibberish Generator" I just had to give it a try. Here's what it produced (and in much less time that a boring 2 hour meeting!)...
We here at BangSplat Technologies think we know that it is better to reintermediate seamlessly than to recontextualize wirelessly. Think resource-constrained. Think clicks-and-mortar. Think dot-com. But don't think all three at the same time. Is it more important for something to be back-end or to be six-sigma? A company that can reinvent correctly will (at some unknown point of time in the future) be able to iterate correctly. The metrics for schemas are more well-understood if they are not sticky. If you syndicate proactively, you may have to drive intra-virtually. Our technology takes the best features of XSL and XMLHttpRequest. Without appropriate biometrics, architectures are forced to become C2B2B, 60/24/7/365. Imagine a combination of J++ and FOAF. We will synthesize the aptitude of infrastructures to incubate. Quick: do you have a front-end game plan for managing emerging e-businesses? Your budget for morphing should be at least three times your budget for targeting. We pride ourselves not only on our feature set, but our newbie-proof administration and user-proof use.
Have you ever wanted to synergize your functionality? Free? A company that can actualize defiantly will (at some indefinite point in the future) be able to productize courageously. Quick: do you have a 60/24/7/365 plan for regulating emerging ROI metrics? Quick: do you have a user-centric, mission-critical scheme for monitoring unplanned-for partnerships? Imagine a combination of CSS and Python. Think e-business. Think turn-key. Think next-generation. But don't think all three at the same time. What do we monetize? Anything and everything, regardless of anonymity! Quick: do you have a frictionless scheme for monitoring emerging angel investors? Our feature set is unparalleled, but our reconfigurable user communities and user-proof use is often considered a terrific achievement. It comes off as astonishing, but it's entirely accurate! We apply the proverb "All that glitters is not gold" not only to our super-client-focused convergence but our power to implement. The e-markets factor can be summed up in one word: scalable. The metrics for deliverables are more well-understood if they are not extensible.
BangSplat Technologies practically invented the term "TQC". The R&D factor can be summed up in one word: B2C2B. What does the term "affiliate-based" really mean? Quick: do you have a world-class plan of action for handling unplanned-for architectures? What does the industry jargon "efficient, out-of-the-box accounting" really mean? Think cyber-front-end. The convergence factor can be summed up in one word: compelling. We often redefine backward-compatible re-sizing. That is an amazing achievement considering the current fiscal year's financial state of things! We often exploit next-generation user interfaces. That is a terrific achievement considering the current fiscal year's conditions! Do you have a game plan to become resource-constrained, real-world? Your budget for benchmarking should be at least one-half of your budget for repurposing. The metrics for M&A are more well-understood if they are not turn-key.
BangSplat Technologies practically invented the term "interfaces". Our technology takes the best features of C++ and XSL. The capability to empower magnetically leads to the aptitude to expedite efficiently. Without applications, you will lack performance. We usually implement bricks-and-clicks channels. That is an amazing achievement when you consider the current fiscal year's conditions! We have come to know that it is better to utilize macro-extensibly than to reintermediate micro-proactively. Think one-to-one. Think cross-media. Think B2B2C, global. But don't think all three at the same time. The ability to maximize extensibly leads to the capacity to scale transparently. We will strategize the standard industry buzzword "killer". The enterprise, ubiquitous channels factor can be summed up in one word: dynamic. If you utilize virtually, you may have to utilize virtually.
At BangSplat Technologies, we have come to know how to upgrade iteravely. We think we know that if you transition proactively then you may also matrix mega-intuitively. We have proven we know that it is better to synergize dynamically than to engage perfectly. What do we synergize? Anything and everything, regardless of incomprehensibility! Your budget for iterating should be at least twice your budget for syndicating. Think reconfigurable. Think real-world. Think subscriber-defined. But don't think all three at the same time. Without well-chosen systems, aggregation are forced to become 24/7. A company that can upgrade correctly will (at some indefinite point of time) be able to benchmark defiantly. Our technology takes the best aspects of Python and Unix. We will engineer the ability of relationships to reinvent. What does it really mean to actualize "vertically"?
We here at BangSplat Technologies have come to know that it is better to cultivate strategically than to reinvent interactively. The biometrics factor can be summed up in one word: dot-com. We pride ourselves not only on our feature set, but our user-proof administration and easy use. We will target the term "dot-com". We often syndicate transparent applications. That is an amazing achievement taking into account the current market! What does the term "channels" really mean? If you actualize intuitively, you may have to redefine virtually. We pride ourselves not only on our feature set, but our user-proof administration and easy operation. What does the standard industry industry jargon "eyeballs" really mean? We will brand the capability of ROI metrics to engineer.
Have you ever been pressured to deploy your frictionless feature set? Without having to purchase long-term support contracts? If you unleash compellingly, you may have to deploy compellingly. We will maximize our capacity to generate without lessening our aptitude to generate. What do we facilitate? Anything and everything, regardless of obscureness! The models factor is reality-based. We have proven we know that it is better to embrace efficiently than to synthesize extensibly. The metrics for TQM are more well-understood if they are not cutting-edge. We usually seize 24/7/365 functionalities. That is a terrific achievement when you consider today's market conditions! We think that most extensible portals use far too much ActionScript, and not enough SVG. If all of this may seem remarkable to you, that's because it is! The leading-edge bloatware factor can be summed up in one word: proactive. We apply the proverb "Beggars can't be choosers" not only to our re-sizing but our capacity to leverage. What does it really mean to generate "virally"?
BangSplat Technologies is the industry leader of seamless 60/60/24/7/365 obfuscation. If you actualize virtually, you may have to extend transparently. We usually envisioneer leading-edge action-items. That is a terrific achievement considering this fiscal year's financial state of things! We constantly maximize short-term e-commerce. That is an amazing achievement taking into account the current and previous fiscal year's financial state of things! Quick: do you have a 1000/60/60/24/7/365 strategy for regulating new communities? What does the jargon-based term "media sourcing" really mean? The micro-compliance factor can be summed up in one word: B2C, global. What does the commonly-accepted term "project management management" really mean? We always mesh innovative CAD. That is an amazing achievement considering this quarter's cycle! Think C2B2B. If all of this seems discombobulating to you, that's because it is! If all of this comes off as stunning to you, that's because it is! What does the term "bleeding-edge" really mean?